I spent a little time reading over my first draft and decided that I needed to add a few more details. Here’s the second draft:
It was a normal day in September. I was in my classroom getting ready for the day ahead. I remember being excited about what I was teaching that day and now I have no idea what I was teaching. As I was organizing my desk, my friend Jen calmly walked in and said, Michelle, there’s a phone call for you.” I thought that was so weird. No one ever calls me at school. As I walked to the phone, my mind was trying to solve the puzzle of who was calling me. I was so focused on that, I didn’t even realize that Jen brought me to the principal’s office to answer the phone. Still, nothing seemed wrong, just weird. Everything changed the moment I said, “Hello.”
I heard sniffling and my sister’s voice. She was crying. She could barely spit out the words. “Michelle, Dad collapsed. He’s in the hospital.” My mind couldn’t make sense of what she was saying. I kept repeating, “What? I don’t understand. What happened?” I also didn’t notice that Jen was still there and so was my principal and my friend Sharon. The room seemed crowded and still I didn’t understand why. Kate, my sister, kept talking. I realized I was holding my breath and suddenly I needed to sit down. It hit me. Dad’s sick. Dad’s really sick. I need to get to him. The next few minutes (or longer, time stopped for me) I had to plan. I need a sub. I need a plane ticket. I need a ride to the airport. I need someone to take care of Leo. Before my mind stopped and now I couldn’t stop it.
The day turned into a blur. I boarded the plane. It felt like I held my breath for the whole trip. When I got there, I still couldn’t see him…more holding my breath. Finally, it was late that night and I saw him. He looked different. I was scared. I realized that he might not survive. I was sad. This moment, that phone call changed everything.
What do you think of the new draft? Again, compliment and question please.