Draft #2
I spent a little time reading over my first draft and decided that I needed to add a few more details. Here’s the second draft:
It was a normal day in September. I was in my classroom getting ready for the day ahead. I remember being excited about what I was teaching that day and now I have no idea what I was teaching. As I was organizing my desk, my friend Jen calmly walked in and said, Michelle, there’s a phone call for you.” I thought that was so weird. No one ever calls me at school. As I walked to the phone, my mind was trying to solve the puzzle of who was calling me. I was so focused on that, I didn’t even realize that Jen brought me to the principal’s office to answer the phone. Still, nothing seemed wrong, just weird. Everything changed the moment I said, “Hello.”
I heard sniffling and my sister’s voice. She was crying. She could barely spit out the words. “Michelle, Dad collapsed. He’s in the hospital.” My mind couldn’t make sense of what she was saying. I kept repeating, “What? I don’t understand. What happened?” I also didn’t notice that Jen was still there and so was my principal and my friend Sharon. The room seemed crowded and still I didn’t understand why. Kate, my sister, kept talking. I realized I was holding my breath and suddenly I needed to sit down. It hit me. Dad’s sick. Dad’s really sick. I need to get to him. The next few minutes (or longer, time stopped for me) I had to plan. I need a sub. I need a plane ticket. I need a ride to the airport. I need someone to take care of Leo. Before my mind stopped and now I couldn’t stop it.
The day turned into a blur. I boarded the plane. It felt like I held my breath for the whole trip. When I got there, I still couldn’t see him…more holding my breath. Finally, it was late that night and I saw him. He looked different. I was scared. I realized that he might not survive. I was sad. This moment, that phone call changed everything.
What do you think of the new draft? Again, compliment and question please.
I love every word about it don’t change it at all
I like how you added more to the beginning but I think the end still needs more detail
In the second paragraph you had amazing description.
Not many things are wrong in these paragraphs.
I can really visualize what’s hag in this story; Good job Ms. Haseltine!
😀
I think your second draft is way better than the first. You used a lot of details, but can describe how your dad looked like in the hospital.
I like this draft a lot better. I like hoe you described getting ready to go see your Dad. But, you also need to add some more descriptive words.
Michelle, there’s a phone call for you.” why did you put the quotation marks?
I REALLY love all the descriptive language you added in there and how you put more details. At the end of the first paragraph you said “Hello.” I think You should put a question mark instead cause your wondering who it is.
I love the way you added more details but there is still on thing I would change instead of saying I was sad in the second to last sentence maybe get rid of it all together or make it a bit more detailed
These three paragraphs are way more exciting than your draft.You put more imagery and emotion into your words.I feel really sad after you wrote this Slice of Life about your dad being sick.The way you wrote the sentences were awesome.I don’t think you need any more things.It is great the way it is.You show Silent Strength.
I think it is great but what was the plane ride like?
you turned it from fragments to imagery in one day!
I think it’s great Ms. Haseltine! I only noticed some minor errors but it is just a draft. Awesome!
It got a lot better, but I sill don’t know a lot about your dad like what state he’s in or what he looks like or who else is there. Also, I don’t know how the plane ride went, did you find a way to distract yourself or did you think about your dad the whole time?
Way better!! Can you tell me more than scary, because i want to try to relate.
I like how you used more descriptive language in this draft but if you could describe why he looked different to you personally the first second you walked into the door and saw your dad there. I also like how you used names on this draft.
I like the emotion you showed your in your SoL. How did your dad look different, and where did you go to on the plane.
I loved the 2nd draft, it was a whole lot better than the first one.I think as you went on in your writing you needed more detail and I felt like it was lacking a little. Over all I lived you writing it was amazing
I still don’t really get when you said the day turned into a blur.
I did have a question who call on the phone at your school
I ABSOLUTLEY LOVE it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You did it awesome but i did have a question how did your dad got sick?
That was really good I could picture what just happened because of the details you put in.