My first draft
We talked about first drafts being ugly or messy or just plain bad. The first draft is where you get your ideas down. After much thought, I decided to write about the moment when I found out my dad was sick. It’s a powerful moment and I’ve never written about it before. Here’s my ugly, messy first draft:
It was a normal day in September. I was in my classroom getting ready for the day ahead. I remember being excited about what I was teaching that day and now I have no idea what I was teaching. As I was organizing my desk, a teacher walked in and told me that I had a phone call. My dad was sick. I was scared. He was really sick. I didn’t know what to do. He was far away. I was supposed to go and see him. The rest is a blur. I went to see him. It felt like I held my breath for the whole trip. When I got there, I still couldn’t see him…more holding my breath. Finally, it was late that night and I saw him. He looked different. I was scared. I realized that he might not survive. I was sad. This moment, that phone call changed everything.
Give me some feedback on my draft! Please start with a compliment. Tell me one thing that you liked about it and then ask one question or make one suggestion about how I can improve my draft.
I really liked how you said you held your breath. I think that is more descriptive and more interesting then saying “I was nervous”. One think I think you should look over is in the story I was a little confused at times. Where was your dad? Why couldn’t you see him? I think you should explain that a little more.
I love how you talk to the readers but I would use I less you start a lot of sentences with I other then that I love your writing
@CtrlrOfwrld
We are so in sync!
You should really make the sentences a bit longer. The beginning is really good, though. I like how you wrote about what you were doing before the phone call. You do need to be more specific, like when you said you couldn’t see your dad.
I think you were creative but you should use imagery.
I love how you said that it was a normal September day because your not saying it was a scary day i was organizing my desk.that would make no sense.I was wondering were your dad was when he was in the hospital.
I think it turned out good for a first draft! But I was confused with the sentence I remember being excited about what I was teaching that day and now I have no idea what I was teaching. I also I think you should use I and he alot. The sentence I was scared was repeated. What else did you feel? But I think it still turned out good for a first draft 😀
I don’t get the part when you typed ” I still couldn’t see him… more holding my breath.” You also put” My dad was sick. I was scared. He was really sick. I didn’t know what to do.” But every thing else was good. Nice job!
I like ALL of it!!!
I liked the last part because it’s very detailed in what you’re saying. I don’t like how the middle section because the sentences are too short, and you didn’t give us that much detail, so we didn’t have that much info.
I liked the part were you said It felt like I was holding my breath the entire time, But I would not do I’m sad do like the time made it sound sad, just don’t use small sentences like: It made me sad.
I love how you used imagery. Here are some thoughts on it;
Maybe you should tell us when in September.
Maybe you should tell us what school you were in.
Maybe you should tell us WHY you were excited.
Maybe you should tell us what teacher(though ask her first)
Maybe you should tell us what he was sick from.
Maybe you should tell us where he was.
Maybe you should tell us why it became a blur.
Maybe you should tell us what you traveled in or how far away he is.
Maybe you should not tell us that you held your breath,use different words.
Maybe you should tell us why you couldn’t see him.
Maybe you should tell us why it took so long for you to see him. Maybe you should tell us what he looked like.
Maybe you should tell why you thought he was not going to survive.
Maybe you should use less I’s in the story
Thank you for considering!!!
I think you can make some of the sentences longer like “I was scared”. A way you can do that is by combining them and possibly adding a few more words.